Transparency

I was going to create a whole new blog. Then I thought about it a little more and decided that the title of this blog is, "The Fire Within." So I believe I am entitled to a little transparency. And possibly those who read this may even appreciate it. Who knows.

I am doing this in the hopes that somehow my writing it down will bring healing in the end. Healing to me and possibly even to someone else who might be reading these posts. You see I am going through a great deal of pain and suffering right now. Sometimes it is so great I feel like I won't be able to make it through the night. (key words here is * feel like.) This is where the title phrase,  "The Fire Within " comes to play in my life.

"The Fire Within" me is the Holy Spirit of God.

He is what gives me the strength I need to carry on each day. He is what gives me my comfort and my hope for each day and each tomorrow. It is because of Holy Spirit I can close my eyes at the end of a weeping session, in peace and fall fast asleep knowing I am safe in the hands of Abba Father. Precious, beautiful Holy Spirit.

Holy Spirit -the promised gift of Yeshua.

Honestly, right now I am struggling each day with severe pain. Oh it's not the kind most everyone is thinking. (those of you that know me.) I wake up each morning and I feel the pain, physically in my heart, of my estranged children. Yes, it is physical pain. Yes, I do have physical aliments to deal with. However these aliments are a direct result of the relation issues between my estranged children and myself. The heart ache it is causing me has escalated from just emotional to literally physical heart issues. Not good.

Why? Well, simply put; because I can't just simply lay these relationships at the feet of Yeshua and leave them there and just trust the Lord to take care of them. The end.

Oh, how simple in deed! I soooo wish I could do that! Oh how I have prayed and fasted and prayed and wept and sought the Lord for help in being able to do this! I have cried and cried out to the Lord, "Please Lord help me to just leave them here at your feet! Take them from me! Help me to forget them! I forgive them! Please!!!!"
To no avail. Ugh

Again, I ask, why?
Because, they are MY CHILDREN. I love them. I can not stop thinking about them or loving them as long as I have breath in this body - ever. No matter what the enemy, through what ever means has thus far successfully convinced them to think otherwise. This will always be true.

So one weeping session as I was talking with the Lord about such things.
(so you understand, I was walking around my bedroom, living room; every where I walked there were pictures of me and my kids) I was overwhelmed with hurt I cried out to the Lord in anger, not at the Lord, not even at my kids, just out of sheer pain. I cried out to him,
"I just want to forget about them - all of them!"


(The Lord is so loving, kind and compassionate. He always knows exactly what to say and how to say it.)

Now of course, I don't want to forget my children, any of them. Even at that time I didn't want to. I was just so hurt. I can't even begin to put those feelings into words. I just burst out in anger.

The Lord knew that and He knew what I needed to hear too.
This is what the Lord had to say to me.
He began to talk to me about us. You - me - and all the rest of His children. Mostly His children that are away from Him at the moment. (Estranged, if you will)

He told me how much He missed those who had wandered away from Him. Those that left the flock.
It broke my heart. We sat in silence for what seemed an eternity.

Then He said to me, "AmyColleen,...Not a day goes by that I do not think about each and every one of my lost sheep. Every child of God. "

(Before I could even ask the question - and I was thinking to asking the question - the Lord went on to answer it)

"And yes, Amy, it hurts, but I do not forget them, I remember them and pray for them and watch over them. The Father looks after His children. You should not forget but believe - stay faithful for you will reap your just reward in due season. Remember to see with the eyes of your spirit not the eyes of the flesh."

      **************************************************************************

I don't understand the why of what is going on right now with my relationship with my older children.
I do know that I trust God. I know that I love God above all else and everyone else.
He, is the "Fire Within" AmyColleen.

I love my children. Unconditionally, with the love of Yeshua. I will continue to do so and will trust Him to bring reconciliation in truth through the Blood of Yeshua shed for us all.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18


With the Lord...there is ALWAYS hope.

So......How many times can a heart be broken and still be repaired?
Take a 1000 piece puzzle with three pieces missing
Throw it to the ground and then scoop it up place it in a small box and place it in my chest…..This is my heart.

I feel as though I have almost completed this puzzle so many times and then, out of know where the puzzle explodes and falls to the ground, and I am left with a gapping whole in my chest.

Oh Lord, I can’t do it any more
I have never liked puzzles to begin with!
Now…I like them even less….and now….where my heart used to beat; it just hurts.
I need you, Lord.  I need you to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, for me…and put them all back together…..please. 

*******

Piece by piece 
One at a time
Our Heavenly Father gently puts each piece of my heart in line

Counting each one
No matter which design 
Our Daddy God is sure each broken piece to find

Sitting in amazement
At my Lord’s feet
I watch as My Daddy God accomplishes this amazing feat

A struggle in tears;
A work for me
Is for God, a simple act of compassionate love that flows freely

Surrounded in Glory
Healing in His Wings
I am filled with Peace as His Heavenly Hosts Sing

Praises to the Lord
Mighty God above
Lord God of all, filled with compassion and love

Praise to the Lord!
Mighty God above
Lord God of all…..FILLED with compassion and love!

 

Learning to Let Go

The Lord Giveth and He Taketh Away

I find myself in a bit of a quandary. I honestly did not expect to be here. I figured we would have been through all this by now. All the healing that is; from the broken, then blended homes. I mean, it has been twenty four years. Apparently not. So here I sit face with the choice to hold on - or let go and let God. 


I am fifty years old and my youngest child is going to turn nineteen years old in just a couple of months. Some might say I am experiencing empty nest syndrome or something of that nature but truthfully it is much much more than that. I have been working up to this point for years now. Ever since, sadly enough, my first husband and I divorced some twenty four years ago. It wasn't easy or pretty then and it has been a struggle ever since to "let go" and "trust God" ever since with my children's lives. 


Well now that all my children, all five, to include my two beautiful daughters from my husband of 22 years as well as my three boys from my first husband, have grown up and are all  adults.
I am faced with the task of "letting them go"....again.


Of course as the reader you are thinking, "But of course! Let God! It's a no brainer!"
It's just not that easy. You see, I have let go many times before. Then in a few years something else pops up and I end up having to let go all over again. Let there be no mistaking the enemy has his mind set to kill - steal and destroy this family that is for sure!  At this point and time my oldest children are completely unaware of the enemies tactics. Thus the reason I am finding so hard to let go this time. I guess there is a part of me that is worried when I let go it will be like saying "good-bye" forever. Even though I "know" in my spirit the Lord has promised otherwise.


BUT the title of this blog is "learning to let go" and learning I am. Sometimes when we don't have the strength to do what is best for ourselves, the Lord helps us out. He sees our heart, knows we desire to please Him and steps in. The means to the end is not always "pain-less" but it does the trick. If we will just take the step of faith to take His hand and trust Him He will never fail us. 


So, today I did just that. Hard as it was. Very, very hard. I knew it was coming. The Lord told me over four years ago so I could prepare myself. But it was still hard. Without too much detail I can say I am now loving three of my children virtually, only through prayer in the love of God and by the Holy Spirit. Their choice. Not mine. 
It breaks my heart. But what can I do? I live my life for Yeshua, and my life goes on. 


I haven't always felt this way. In fact, for the better part of the last twenty four years I have loved my three sons too much. 


Now, I am learning to let go.


Now maybe God can finally use me fully. 



Mathew 10:37
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;"
Matthew 6:21
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Alone

Alone in the midst of the crowd.


I don't really know what to do. Should I stand here, or move out of the way?


Alone in the midst of the crowd.


I don't really know what to say. Should I speak out loud?


Alone in the midst of the crowd.


I don't really know why I'm here. Does anyone even see me?


Lord, I am so alone. Even here in the midst of your people.
I'm so alone in the midst of this crowd.


Hello? Can you you hear me?
Hello? Does anyone even see me?
I'm here in your midst. Every time we gather together. 
When we sing ~ when we pray.
Do you even hear me when I say,
"Hello?"


Alone in the midst of the crowd.


Please let us all (consciously) take time to "notice" those around us that we may see often but may not often enough take the time to see. 


Life is too short to over look those closest to us. Especially when they may be the ones who need us most.


This poem, was inspired by a compilation of exactly what I fore mentioned. People and situations that the Lord had personally brought to MY attention that I am close to. People I have somewhat neglected, assuming all was well. When in fact, quite the opposite. 


As a my dear, precious friend always says to me, "You can only do what you can do."
And though I agree this is true, I would like to add, "How many of us are actually doing THAT?"


God Bless You with the secrets of His Heart as YOU seek His Face in the Riches of The Holy Scripture!
AmyColleen

Dream of Darkness

Darkness was everywhere. It was so strange. I felt as if I had been here before. I recognized the people and the surroundings. Everything. The only difference was the darkness; and with the darkness there was a  dank chill in the air. Strangely enough the people were bustling about. Going to and fro like a normal day. We were in a downtown market place. In the city. There was chatter among everyone. What you would expect to hear except the sound had a deep timber to it. The peoples heads were hung low. There seemed to be a visible oppression hanging over them like a fog.

I was there among them in the market place, though they did not see me. Yet at the same time as I made my way through the crowd, each person moved out of the way for me as if they were compelled to do so. They moved completely out of my way. So much so that I couldn't speak to them or even get a good look at them to get their attention. I tried. I wanted so badly to reach out to them. I felt so badly for them. Everyone was so sad. I could feel their loneliness, their pain, their suffering. It was so very dark. More so than night time. Different even than night time. Almost as if there was an opaque, black, blanket of demonic fog or haze that had settled in around the city market place.

I tried for a while to reach out to the people. Then I just stood and watched and cried.

As Jesus spoke to me,

"Be the light you were meant to be. Shine for me. Let me shine through you. Come walk with me and let  my Holy Spirit have full control. See Great and marvelous things. The glorious mysteries of  my kingdom. You, you, are what I desire. I gave myself for you. I gave myself for them. Do you love me ? I love you. Walk with me. Take my hand and walk with me to the true promised land. See the glory of the God all around. Share what I have given you....with those in darkness. I love you ....love them for me."