Love - Forgiveness - Reconciliation - A spontaneous prayer

5 a.m.
Today.
Freezing cold outside.
So thankful to have the warmth  of my blanket to cover me.
Laying still in my bed, awake, needing to get up, not wanting to.

Thoughts racing through my mind.
Why?
Why?
I can't seem to reconcile why some would rather cling so tightly to that which is untrue.
That which causes so much pain. That which has caused death, even death.
Why?
I feel my chest tighten. My breath taken away from me. I cough. I cough again. I simply can not breath.

Oh Lord. I love you. I forgive them. I pray for them. Please have mercy.
Do not hold against them what they have done. Surely now, even themselves have fallen into the pit they have dug themselves. They themselves have have fallen prey to the roaring lion who has sought them out. Seeking to devour their very lives. Deceiving them. Making them think non truths ~ "There will be no love - if you confess to truth." 
Dear Lord bring healing. Dear Lord, bring deliverance. Holy Father bring reconciliation - complete restoration in spirit, in truth, with all heart, with all soul and all mind. That through all the generations to come your blessings would be passed down not the curses of sin and death.

I have lived through the valley of the shadow of death. I have walked through deepest and darkest times. I am faced even now with yet a deeper valley with yet darker crevices  You have seen me through and you will see me through yet again. I have no doubt! Your rod and your staff they have comforted me. They have protected me. You alone have been my guide.

Blinded by swollen eye lids from endless hours of weeping. Unable to open even a sliver to see, you have picked me up and carried me while streams, steady streams - like rain - fell from my eyes down my face across yours as you carried me - you never let go. You let me cry and cry and cry. Until the reservoir to my sadden and broken heart was dry. Gently placing me down on the lush green grass beside the still flowing, crystal water. There I refreshed myself. Completely at rest. Unafraid I slept. Unafraid I took time to heal. Knowing my Shepherd took care to watch over me in the valley.

Lord......I love you. Please, with all that is within me. I pray for this peace to be a part of those who have caused me such pain. I know you see. I know you know who they are. Have mercy. My heart desires nothing but forgiveness, love and mercy for them. 

You Lord know better than I how long until I will be called to leave this place. You know the desire of my heart. For you oh Lord are the one who gave me this desire. You oh Lord died for the same reason. If it possible, let it be done in my life time. Your will be done.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

After a week of trials and tribs!

The world reminding me just how human I really am!

Take this WORLD!

Love - Forgiveness - The Measure of Love - WHY are you asking ME???

I had someone ask me for some advice. 
I mean, I guess it was more like they asked me for some Godly wisdom on a life situation. 
Being that I am not God, I did not have it to give and immediately had to re-categorize the request as advice.  Which, by the way, I do not like to give at all, like ever, unless I give my major *see note "Jim Driscoll disclosure" and even then I don't like to but will if absolutely necessary and then only after praying about it and after being prodded and begged.

*note Jim Driscoll is my pops. He has since left this world and gone home to be with my Mum and the Lord and good number of other lucky, wonderful ol' souls in heaven. I learned by example (mostly) not to just dole out advice to whom ever - when ever.  Even I am asked for it. My parents were the two most un-intrusive parent's and in-laws any one could ever have. I truly do miss them! They were very wise.

So back to the "advice". 
Yeah, normally it would not  be that big of a deal. I wouldn't actually take  note of it, remember it, after the fact. This time it was different. Much different. I suppose it was the subject matter. That and the question that was asked.  It was as if they were asking the very question that I had asked God myself about my own life. About the very life issue I was going through at this very same time. Like they were in my head and in my heart. 

I know they were being real. I hadn't shared with anyone what I was feeling or thinking. No one. No one but the Lord. 
These are the questions. (as close to verbatim as I can get)

"What does one do in this circumstance?"

"How do I deal with this as a believer?"

"What is God expecting of me?"

"Why is this happening to me?.....I don't understand. Is God angry with me?"

    and this one

"I keep praying and praying. Nothing is happening."

Seriously -these are  so much the questions I have been asking in my alone time with the Lord. 
Day in and day out. For months and months and months. Followed by tearful, prayers of intercession. Hours of prayers  for  reconciliation. 

Then something happened. One day.  I just got so tired. 
Between being beaten down in body by sickness and disease and facing the enemy in the faces of my own beloved sons. I just gave up.  

Questions still unanswered.  Yet -  still inside of me.  I just filed them away. In order to handle the pain.   In order to go on living and take care of those God has given me charge over. I suppose I learned to subsequently accept the un-authorized, illegal flaming arrows the enemy shot into my heart, while continuing on with my daily routine. I had no choice. I was dying from the inside out.

Then, out of nowhere. While I was doing what God had asked of me. Ministering to the broken hearted.
I was forced to answer the very questions I had buried so deep down inside my own soul.
As I spoke the answers out to someone else I received the answers myself. 
I actually took one more step closer in the healing process. 

"What does one do in this circumstance?"

  No matter what the circumstance. If the Lord is your God love and forgive. Both are verbs. Hold no grudges under every circumstance. Do not expect anything from anyone as stipulation to forgive. BE forgiveness. BE love. BE light. BE hope. BE Yeshua in the Flesh. Be ye perfect as the Father in Heaven is perfect. Always know that you are not alone. The Holy Spirit of God is IN you. 

"How do I deal with this as a believer?"
Live like your Master, Yeshua. A life of Grace. Full of love and Mercy. Truth and humility. 

"What is God expecting of me?"
To love HIM excellently. To love your neighbor (everyone) as yourself. 

"Why is this happening to me?.....I don't understand. Is God angry with me?"
Do not focus on why. Seek truth. (Yeshua) be free. No God is not angry with you. 

and this one

"I keep praying and praying. Nothing is happening."
Do not listen to the voice of doubt. Live by faith. In the Word of God. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective. When we pray according to the will of the Father IT IS DONE! It IS HIS WILL to have total reconciliation. 

Also  I thought I would post this. A quote from Mother Teresa. So very true.

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. 

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. 

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” 

Today I decided - I will decide tomorrow

I don't know about you but I do NOT like to make decisions. I never have. Given the choice to let someone else make a decision I would gladly oblige. It is a genetic thing. I have few children who feel the same way.

Face it some of us are born decision makers and some are shaped into the role through life curves an turns and one way roads.

 That is where I am finding myself right now. I am faced with making a decision. A life changing decision. One I can not just allow someone else to make for me. No, this one I have to make for myself. Thing is, in making this decision, what I decide ultimately affects everyone else in my life. So, yeah it's kinda serious.

Honestly, I never thought I would be tasked with making such a decision...but then  again I never thought I would have experienced allot of the things in life I have so far.

I kinda wish I were sleeping right now and this was a bad dream. 

*OuCh* Nope, no dream. (I pinched myself) I am absolutely awake.

Yep, I'm awake.

So I suppose this means I need to decide....

Tomorrow