Tonight I realized I could travel through time

Wow. 

I will say it again, wow.

 I will say it backwards, wow.

Can I just be really, really transparent here? Do you mind? 

 Once again I found myself in one of those contemplative seasons. It's probably the same one I have been in since last week actually. I just can't seem to shake it. In fact rather than it lessening with time it just seems to get more and more intense as I try to ignore it. So I have decided to deal with it another way. The other way being - face it head on.

Last night I started by going through my "special box" -  and that little exercise turned out to be, well, special. Stirring up all kinds of emotions I had thought were otherwise done and gone. Long since buried. No longer an issue. (I think you get the point) In the end it was a good thing. 

Tonight, (being day two of facing this contemplative season  in my life head on) - I was drawn to my private brief case. The one I have tucked away. Way in the back of my closet where even  I can't see it. Unless I make a point to dig it out. The one containing my ever so private journals from years gone bye. 

I am talking  from 1976 and forward. 

Amazing stuff. Some of it is hand written and some is typed on this crinkle typing paper. 

I spent the better portion of the latter part of the afternoon reading through my journals. I can honestly say I was stunned to silence in the presence of  God while at the same time having tears streaming down my cheeks. All from reading the writing of a 17 year old girl. I had no idea how prophetic my prayers and writings were. Not then, any way. Now I see. Literally  when I read those prayers tonight, my mouth dropped open and I think I stopped breathing for a moment in time. God not only heard my prayers back then 37 years ago. He set the answers into motion and never took a break at bringing into manifestation the answers to my prayers. Even when I stepped out of His perfect will for  my life. The Lord was patient, loving and kind. Long suffering and in the end. Completely gracious and forgiving. Picking up where He left off to continue the good work He began in me. Making sure to see that HE would see it through to it's completion. Also to see that  I will be ready on the day of our Lord's appearance. In fact, not only did God pick up where He left off,  but God, my Heavenly Father took everything, good, bad and indifferent, and used it - turned it around and used for my good!  

By His Holy Spirit, to this day, God is enabling me to do, to will and to act according to HIS good pleasure.

Such revelation. 

All from reading these writings of mine from years gone by. 

Prayers. Songs. Journal entries of happy and sad, very, very, very sad times.

One thing for sure...the Lord was with me. He was with me through it all. Just as he is now.

I have always known that.

 It's just now, looking back through the stroke of my pen...I see so much more back then - NOW.

And NOW, I love so much more those I knew then -  that I ever thought I could. 

I am able to forgive when I thought I would never be able to. 

I am so glad I am here.

Although I have suffered pain. I have suffered so much pain. Emotional pain, spiritual pain..relational pain. Through abandonment, betrayal, abuse, neglect, self hate. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. 

Still, what I have lived through, every single incident. Every single tear. Every single sleepless, lonely night.  Was worth  it - because it has made me who I am today. It has created me. Molded me. Shaped me. Lead me to the feet of my Savior ...my Lord ....my Master and teacher. My best friend. My counselor. My Papa god. My one and only. 

I would gladly live through everything all over again

If it was necessary for me to "know" my creator like I do.

He is everything to me. I can not love anything or anyone without my Lord  in my life. 

This writing is a prayer I prayed when I was just 23years old. I was married to John at the time, the father of my precious three sons Joshua, Jeremy and Jacob. I had no idea what was ahead in my life. Apparently, I had no idea the power behind my prayers either (at that time). It is truly amazing how God has shown me ahead of time everything that was going to happen. I truly believe in order to prepare me and to let me know HE IS HERE WITH ME.

This is a prayer I found in my journal  from 1984. 

Complete Surrender

I asked the Lord what surrender meant and how to make it complete

He said, "It means Love and pain and that one must die to make it complete."

He said, "As I love my Father- you must also love me."

"As I bore the pain of your sin -you must also suffer like me."

Complete surrender

Because I love you with all that I am

Complete surrender

Because I want to please you in every way I can

Complete surrender

Because I long to be just like you

Make your love complete

In my pain I seek

Complete surrender

The Lord then asked me - How much did I love Him.

Was I willing to let love cover a multitude of sin?

He said that it would pain my flesh. If I chose the sacrifice of love.

But if I lost my life for Him - my spirit would live eternally above.

Complete surrender - Lord let there be 

Complete surrender - living inside of me

When all that I've given is all that I have

When my heart is broken in two

When I think I don't have anymore to give

Lord help me give more to you

Love - Forgiveness - Reconciliation - A spontaneous prayer

5 a.m.
Today.
Freezing cold outside.
So thankful to have the warmth  of my blanket to cover me.
Laying still in my bed, awake, needing to get up, not wanting to.

Thoughts racing through my mind.
Why?
Why?
I can't seem to reconcile why some would rather cling so tightly to that which is untrue.
That which causes so much pain. That which has caused death, even death.
Why?
I feel my chest tighten. My breath taken away from me. I cough. I cough again. I simply can not breath.

Oh Lord. I love you. I forgive them. I pray for them. Please have mercy.
Do not hold against them what they have done. Surely now, even themselves have fallen into the pit they have dug themselves. They themselves have have fallen prey to the roaring lion who has sought them out. Seeking to devour their very lives. Deceiving them. Making them think non truths ~ "There will be no love - if you confess to truth." 
Dear Lord bring healing. Dear Lord, bring deliverance. Holy Father bring reconciliation - complete restoration in spirit, in truth, with all heart, with all soul and all mind. That through all the generations to come your blessings would be passed down not the curses of sin and death.

I have lived through the valley of the shadow of death. I have walked through deepest and darkest times. I am faced even now with yet a deeper valley with yet darker crevices  You have seen me through and you will see me through yet again. I have no doubt! Your rod and your staff they have comforted me. They have protected me. You alone have been my guide.

Blinded by swollen eye lids from endless hours of weeping. Unable to open even a sliver to see, you have picked me up and carried me while streams, steady streams - like rain - fell from my eyes down my face across yours as you carried me - you never let go. You let me cry and cry and cry. Until the reservoir to my sadden and broken heart was dry. Gently placing me down on the lush green grass beside the still flowing, crystal water. There I refreshed myself. Completely at rest. Unafraid I slept. Unafraid I took time to heal. Knowing my Shepherd took care to watch over me in the valley.

Lord......I love you. Please, with all that is within me. I pray for this peace to be a part of those who have caused me such pain. I know you see. I know you know who they are. Have mercy. My heart desires nothing but forgiveness, love and mercy for them. 

You Lord know better than I how long until I will be called to leave this place. You know the desire of my heart. For you oh Lord are the one who gave me this desire. You oh Lord died for the same reason. If it possible, let it be done in my life time. Your will be done.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

After a week of trials and tribs!

The world reminding me just how human I really am!

Take this WORLD!

Love - Forgiveness - The Measure of Love - WHY are you asking ME???

I had someone ask me for some advice. 
I mean, I guess it was more like they asked me for some Godly wisdom on a life situation. 
Being that I am not God, I did not have it to give and immediately had to re-categorize the request as advice.  Which, by the way, I do not like to give at all, like ever, unless I give my major *see note "Jim Driscoll disclosure" and even then I don't like to but will if absolutely necessary and then only after praying about it and after being prodded and begged.

*note Jim Driscoll is my pops. He has since left this world and gone home to be with my Mum and the Lord and good number of other lucky, wonderful ol' souls in heaven. I learned by example (mostly) not to just dole out advice to whom ever - when ever.  Even I am asked for it. My parents were the two most un-intrusive parent's and in-laws any one could ever have. I truly do miss them! They were very wise.

So back to the "advice". 
Yeah, normally it would not  be that big of a deal. I wouldn't actually take  note of it, remember it, after the fact. This time it was different. Much different. I suppose it was the subject matter. That and the question that was asked.  It was as if they were asking the very question that I had asked God myself about my own life. About the very life issue I was going through at this very same time. Like they were in my head and in my heart. 

I know they were being real. I hadn't shared with anyone what I was feeling or thinking. No one. No one but the Lord. 
These are the questions. (as close to verbatim as I can get)

"What does one do in this circumstance?"

"How do I deal with this as a believer?"

"What is God expecting of me?"

"Why is this happening to me?.....I don't understand. Is God angry with me?"

    and this one

"I keep praying and praying. Nothing is happening."

Seriously -these are  so much the questions I have been asking in my alone time with the Lord. 
Day in and day out. For months and months and months. Followed by tearful, prayers of intercession. Hours of prayers  for  reconciliation. 

Then something happened. One day.  I just got so tired. 
Between being beaten down in body by sickness and disease and facing the enemy in the faces of my own beloved sons. I just gave up.  

Questions still unanswered.  Yet -  still inside of me.  I just filed them away. In order to handle the pain.   In order to go on living and take care of those God has given me charge over. I suppose I learned to subsequently accept the un-authorized, illegal flaming arrows the enemy shot into my heart, while continuing on with my daily routine. I had no choice. I was dying from the inside out.

Then, out of nowhere. While I was doing what God had asked of me. Ministering to the broken hearted.
I was forced to answer the very questions I had buried so deep down inside my own soul.
As I spoke the answers out to someone else I received the answers myself. 
I actually took one more step closer in the healing process. 

"What does one do in this circumstance?"

  No matter what the circumstance. If the Lord is your God love and forgive. Both are verbs. Hold no grudges under every circumstance. Do not expect anything from anyone as stipulation to forgive. BE forgiveness. BE love. BE light. BE hope. BE Yeshua in the Flesh. Be ye perfect as the Father in Heaven is perfect. Always know that you are not alone. The Holy Spirit of God is IN you. 

"How do I deal with this as a believer?"
Live like your Master, Yeshua. A life of Grace. Full of love and Mercy. Truth and humility. 

"What is God expecting of me?"
To love HIM excellently. To love your neighbor (everyone) as yourself. 

"Why is this happening to me?.....I don't understand. Is God angry with me?"
Do not focus on why. Seek truth. (Yeshua) be free. No God is not angry with you. 

and this one

"I keep praying and praying. Nothing is happening."
Do not listen to the voice of doubt. Live by faith. In the Word of God. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective. When we pray according to the will of the Father IT IS DONE! It IS HIS WILL to have total reconciliation. 

Also  I thought I would post this. A quote from Mother Teresa. So very true.

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. 

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. 

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”