Wow.
I will say it again, wow.
I will say it backwards, wow.
Can I just be really, really transparent here? Do you mind?
Once again I found myself in one of those contemplative seasons. It's probably the same one I have been in since last week actually. I just can't seem to shake it. In fact rather than it lessening with time it just seems to get more and more intense as I try to ignore it. So I have decided to deal with it another way. The other way being - face it head on.
Last night I started by going through my "special box" - and that little exercise turned out to be, well, special. Stirring up all kinds of emotions I had thought were otherwise done and gone. Long since buried. No longer an issue. (I think you get the point) In the end it was a good thing.
Tonight, (being day two of facing this contemplative season in my life head on) - I was drawn to my private brief case. The one I have tucked away. Way in the back of my closet where even I can't see it. Unless I make a point to dig it out. The one containing my ever so private journals from years gone bye.
I am talking from 1976 and forward.
Amazing stuff. Some of it is hand written and some is typed on this crinkle typing paper.
I spent the better portion of the latter part of the afternoon reading through my journals. I can honestly say I was stunned to silence in the presence of God while at the same time having tears streaming down my cheeks. All from reading the writing of a 17 year old girl. I had no idea how prophetic my prayers and writings were. Not then, any way. Now I see. Literally when I read those prayers tonight, my mouth dropped open and I think I stopped breathing for a moment in time. God not only heard my prayers back then 37 years ago. He set the answers into motion and never took a break at bringing into manifestation the answers to my prayers. Even when I stepped out of His perfect will for my life. The Lord was patient, loving and kind. Long suffering and in the end. Completely gracious and forgiving. Picking up where He left off to continue the good work He began in me. Making sure to see that HE would see it through to it's completion. Also to see that I will be ready on the day of our Lord's appearance. In fact, not only did God pick up where He left off, but God, my Heavenly Father took everything, good, bad and indifferent, and used it - turned it around and used for my good!
By His Holy Spirit, to this day, God is enabling me to do, to will and to act according to HIS good pleasure.
Such revelation.
All from reading these writings of mine from years gone by.
Prayers. Songs. Journal entries of happy and sad, very, very, very sad times.
One thing for sure...the Lord was with me. He was with me through it all. Just as he is now.
I have always known that.
It's just now, looking back through the stroke of my pen...I see so much more back then - NOW.
And NOW, I love so much more those I knew then - that I ever thought I could.
I am able to forgive when I thought I would never be able to.
I am so glad I am here.
Although I have suffered pain. I have suffered so much pain. Emotional pain, spiritual pain..relational pain. Through abandonment, betrayal, abuse, neglect, self hate. I would never wish it on my worst enemy.
Still, what I have lived through, every single incident. Every single tear. Every single sleepless, lonely night. Was worth it - because it has made me who I am today. It has created me. Molded me. Shaped me. Lead me to the feet of my Savior ...my Lord ....my Master and teacher. My best friend. My counselor. My Papa god. My one and only.
I would gladly live through everything all over again
If it was necessary for me to "know" my creator like I do.
He is everything to me. I can not love anything or anyone without my Lord in my life.
This writing is a prayer I prayed when I was just 23years old. I was married to John at the time, the father of my precious three sons Joshua, Jeremy and Jacob. I had no idea what was ahead in my life. Apparently, I had no idea the power behind my prayers either (at that time). It is truly amazing how God has shown me ahead of time everything that was going to happen. I truly believe in order to prepare me and to let me know HE IS HERE WITH ME.
This is a prayer I found in my journal from 1984.
Complete
Surrender
I asked the Lord
what surrender meant and how to make it complete
He said, "It
means Love and pain and that one must die to make it complete."
He said, "As I
love my Father- you must also love me."
"As I bore the
pain of your sin -you must also suffer like me."
Complete surrender
Because I love you
with all that I am
Complete surrender
Because I want to
please you in every way I can
Complete surrender
Because I long to be
just like you
Make your love
complete
In my pain I seek
Complete surrender
The Lord then asked
me - How much did I love Him.
Was I willing to let
love cover a multitude of sin?
He said that it
would pain my flesh. If I chose the sacrifice of love.
But if I lost my
life for Him - my spirit would live eternally above.
Complete surrender -
Lord let there be
Complete surrender -
living inside of me
When all that I've
given is all that I have
When my heart is
broken in two
When I think I don't
have anymore to give
Lord help me give more
to you
