Or - Will I?
Yes I will. Of course I will. I am doing it right now.
I have been so much more contemplative these days.
Yes, more so than I usually am. Which is hard to believe I am sure, for those of you that know me well.
It is a combination of many things - the signs of the times - the life circumstances I find myself in - (namely my health) - and the new place I find the Lord has brought me to. A recipe for major life contemplation.
Honestly though, I find even my own self doubting or wondering rather, why I even think about half the things I do.
Considering my thoughts about such things, brings me to realize, I am in a sense teetering on doubting the one I trust with my life. Knowing truly that El-Shaddai has me safely in the palm of His hand and indeed has promised to me - all of my children will follow Him all the days of their lives. How can I possibly spend any time at all in contemplation over anything that incorporates these subject matters? Alas, but I do and I am even now.
Maybe I should explain a bit here. I am not in jeopardy of doubting to as a degree of loosing faith. Goodness no! Never! There is nothing for me, if I have not my faith! The doubt I am speaking of is a self recognition - a self realization of sorts. I truly believe at this point in my life with God, my walk with the Master Jesus, that I should be able to "know" - to "trust" - to such a degree, in what the Lord has shown me, revealed to me through His word. - all that He has promised me, that I should never have to struggle with my thoughts. (At least with those things I am certain of) You know?
Thoughts like, "I wonder if'...." or ...."Maybe I...." ....or ..."Should I ?..." ..."Did I ?"...
I think you get the point. All of those things I contemplate. All the questions and second guessing. All the doubt and fear.
So when I come here, to this place in life, where I have come so many times before, and find myself mulling over the same issues, the issues that God himself has promised to take care of for me time an time again, yeah - sometimes I feel as though I am slipping into the sin of doubt. It truly is such a fine line for me.
My spirit says "Truly I believe - above all else I believe."
My flesh is so willing. Yet my circumstances have changed and suddenly in my humanness I inadvertently place God, the all knowing, ever loving, creator of the universe. He who created all we can and all we can not see.
Yes, I some how end up trying to justify placing God in a very small box, just so I can have a reason to worry, be anxious and contemplate.
Wow. Just writing all that makes me feel really ridiculous.
I think in answer to this blog title, "Where do I start?"
I will change my answer and unlike the first answer, (second sentence in the post), my answer will be, "I will not start."...referring to ranting about my woes.
I have figured out what I was feeling. Considering this, I would rather say how much I love and adore my Lord who has me close to His heart. I would rather trust and believe all He has promised me.
