Transparency

I was going to create a whole new blog. Then I thought about it a little more and decided that the title of this blog is, "The Fire Within." So I believe I am entitled to a little transparency. And possibly those who read this may even appreciate it. Who knows.

I am doing this in the hopes that somehow my writing it down will bring healing in the end. Healing to me and possibly even to someone else who might be reading these posts. You see I am going through a great deal of pain and suffering right now. Sometimes it is so great I feel like I won't be able to make it through the night. (key words here is * feel like.) This is where the title phrase,  "The Fire Within " comes to play in my life.

"The Fire Within" me is the Holy Spirit of God.

He is what gives me the strength I need to carry on each day. He is what gives me my comfort and my hope for each day and each tomorrow. It is because of Holy Spirit I can close my eyes at the end of a weeping session, in peace and fall fast asleep knowing I am safe in the hands of Abba Father. Precious, beautiful Holy Spirit.

Holy Spirit -the promised gift of Yeshua.

Honestly, right now I am struggling each day with severe pain. Oh it's not the kind most everyone is thinking. (those of you that know me.) I wake up each morning and I feel the pain, physically in my heart, of my estranged children. Yes, it is physical pain. Yes, I do have physical aliments to deal with. However these aliments are a direct result of the relation issues between my estranged children and myself. The heart ache it is causing me has escalated from just emotional to literally physical heart issues. Not good.

Why? Well, simply put; because I can't just simply lay these relationships at the feet of Yeshua and leave them there and just trust the Lord to take care of them. The end.

Oh, how simple in deed! I soooo wish I could do that! Oh how I have prayed and fasted and prayed and wept and sought the Lord for help in being able to do this! I have cried and cried out to the Lord, "Please Lord help me to just leave them here at your feet! Take them from me! Help me to forget them! I forgive them! Please!!!!"
To no avail. Ugh

Again, I ask, why?
Because, they are MY CHILDREN. I love them. I can not stop thinking about them or loving them as long as I have breath in this body - ever. No matter what the enemy, through what ever means has thus far successfully convinced them to think otherwise. This will always be true.

So one weeping session as I was talking with the Lord about such things.
(so you understand, I was walking around my bedroom, living room; every where I walked there were pictures of me and my kids) I was overwhelmed with hurt I cried out to the Lord in anger, not at the Lord, not even at my kids, just out of sheer pain. I cried out to him,
"I just want to forget about them - all of them!"


(The Lord is so loving, kind and compassionate. He always knows exactly what to say and how to say it.)

Now of course, I don't want to forget my children, any of them. Even at that time I didn't want to. I was just so hurt. I can't even begin to put those feelings into words. I just burst out in anger.

The Lord knew that and He knew what I needed to hear too.
This is what the Lord had to say to me.
He began to talk to me about us. You - me - and all the rest of His children. Mostly His children that are away from Him at the moment. (Estranged, if you will)

He told me how much He missed those who had wandered away from Him. Those that left the flock.
It broke my heart. We sat in silence for what seemed an eternity.

Then He said to me, "AmyColleen,...Not a day goes by that I do not think about each and every one of my lost sheep. Every child of God. "

(Before I could even ask the question - and I was thinking to asking the question - the Lord went on to answer it)

"And yes, Amy, it hurts, but I do not forget them, I remember them and pray for them and watch over them. The Father looks after His children. You should not forget but believe - stay faithful for you will reap your just reward in due season. Remember to see with the eyes of your spirit not the eyes of the flesh."

      **************************************************************************

I don't understand the why of what is going on right now with my relationship with my older children.
I do know that I trust God. I know that I love God above all else and everyone else.
He, is the "Fire Within" AmyColleen.

I love my children. Unconditionally, with the love of Yeshua. I will continue to do so and will trust Him to bring reconciliation in truth through the Blood of Yeshua shed for us all.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18


With the Lord...there is ALWAYS hope.

So......How many times can a heart be broken and still be repaired?
Take a 1000 piece puzzle with three pieces missing
Throw it to the ground and then scoop it up place it in a small box and place it in my chest…..This is my heart.

I feel as though I have almost completed this puzzle so many times and then, out of know where the puzzle explodes and falls to the ground, and I am left with a gapping whole in my chest.

Oh Lord, I can’t do it any more
I have never liked puzzles to begin with!
Now…I like them even less….and now….where my heart used to beat; it just hurts.
I need you, Lord.  I need you to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, for me…and put them all back together…..please. 

*******

Piece by piece 
One at a time
Our Heavenly Father gently puts each piece of my heart in line

Counting each one
No matter which design 
Our Daddy God is sure each broken piece to find

Sitting in amazement
At my Lord’s feet
I watch as My Daddy God accomplishes this amazing feat

A struggle in tears;
A work for me
Is for God, a simple act of compassionate love that flows freely

Surrounded in Glory
Healing in His Wings
I am filled with Peace as His Heavenly Hosts Sing

Praises to the Lord
Mighty God above
Lord God of all, filled with compassion and love

Praise to the Lord!
Mighty God above
Lord God of all…..FILLED with compassion and love!