I Am Weak

I Am Weak

Song by: Craig Aven

Well today started off pretty much as I expected it to. No really big deal. 

I was glad I made it through yesterday.

Although deep down inside I could feel the tug. I could feel the tinge. A sharp pain. 

I just got up outta bed and ignored it.

I headed straight for the coffee pot. Grabbed a cup o' joe and my Bible and took a seat in my prayer chair.

I gave my full attention to the Lord and said my good mornings to Him.

Read some scripture and then - just sat there.

Yep. 

I couldn't get away from the

"Deep down inside tug I felt. Or the tinge or the the sharp pain that I was feeling."

Hard as I tried I couldn't focus on anything else - and - I didn't want to focus on that  

 - and -

 I didn't want to try and figure out what was causing it

because to be perfectly honest 

deep down I knew what was causing it and I didn't want to go there!

So instead I picked up my laptop and signed onto facebook.

Yeah, real spiritual I know. None the less, this is what I did and well the Lord used it.

First I was met with an acceleration of the  

deep down inside tug I felt, and the tinge and the the sharp pain that I was feeling.

Actually, to be honest the acceleration was really more of a 

Deep anguish and sever sharp pain in my chest. 

Still - I just sat in my prayer chair.

I started to scroll through my facebook home page and came across a friends post.

He posted one of his songs [I AM WEAK -CRAIG AVEN]  along with a blog post he had written. 

This changed everything for me -at least for today.

It made me realize a few things.

For starters - (this is something I have "known" for awhile but have had the hardest time living)

I don't have to be strong all the time.

I always tell everyone else that, when they come to me for encouragement, but for some reason I have the hardest time knowing that for my own life in the Lord.

Secondly - Given the season we are living in and 

the importance of sharing the love of God through the saving Grace of Jesus. 

It is okay to be transparent. 

In fact in many cases it is necessary to showcase the Grace of God in our lives.

As it is a life of Victories we Live - as opposed to battles. Its all in how you look at it.

My story

Is one that began before the creation of the universe. For I was knit together in my mothers womb. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.

I was born into a sinful world. As sin came into this world through my fore father and mother. Yet I was given the gift of free will and the opportunity to use it. Chosen by God. Given the opportunity to follow Him. To believe on/in His Son and all that He had done for me and the sin of this world . I did  believe and receive Him into my life. I followed after Him.

Save by Grace through faith. A gift of love from God himself. This was nothing I (or anyone) could have ever done for myself. It was done this way so we could never boast about it or in any any way take credit for it.

I will forever be eternally thankful that the Lord chose me to follow after Him 

and eternally happy I said "yes" and chose the right decision in following after Him.

That was 36 years ago.

 It has not been an easy road.

Full of ups an downs. If I were to be perfectly honest and transparent here 

(as I am trying to be)

I would have to say there have been quite a few more "downs" than ups.

The good part of that last sentence is that I don't recall all of those downs anymore.

There are still some that linger in the dark recesses of my heart and mind. That is only natural.

(key word *natural)

We are but only human. This is natural for us to do. That is why God placed such an emphasis in the Bible - in so many different places about "forgetting the past" -"letting go" 

 "moving forward with what He has for us" - "forgiveness" 

"walking by faith not by sight" = "being a people that live and walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh"

Still

We are what we are - human -which is why the ultimate gift of God is so beautiful.

His Son.

Grace

Apart from Grace (Jesus)

We cannot accomplish a single thing to please our Heavenly Father. It is not possible.

Personally, I learned this lesson a very long time ago.

I am currently living through one of the most intense spiritual battles I have ever had to face in my life.

I know I am safe.

I know I am favored of God - I have His love.

I have not only His promises written down (the Holy Scripture/the Bible) to be able to read when ever I wish. To lighten my path. To bring wisdom  and healing and comfort. I also have His  personal promises which He has spoken to me. 

Still - I find there are times when I can not contain the sorrow that fills my soul.

It is so great.
Not knowing "why" it is mine even to bear. I don't know which is worse.
The "not knowing" or the actual "reason for the pain".
 It is all just so painful. What I am going through right now in life.
I do know

 I am not meant to contain it, the pain- hold in all inside.

I know this much.
Still I try so hard each day to do just that.
I don't know why. I guess, if I were to be perfectly honest. I would have to say -
I am somewhat afraid if I were to release the pain - if I were to let go and allow myself to feel the pain. 
I might just perish 
Worse yet
 The pain I am feeling - (and I realize this may sound really backwards ) -in some strange twisted way the pain is all I have left right now to tangibly hold onto - it is all that is left of the relationship that is actually the source that the pain is stemming from.
Horrible as it is - is all I have left 
Honestly
 I am afraid to let go.
I deep down inside know I need to let go.

This - this - is MY struggle - THIS is MY SIN.

My weakness.

As soon as I read my brother's blog this morning - his song began to play - and I began to weep.

I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.

I am crying now.

My son, my oldest son got married yesterday.

I should be happy for him and her right?

I am. Well part of me. The other part of me is  still so hurt and trying to comprehend how it is I wasn't apart of this glorious day. 

You see I haven't met my sons beautiful bride yet. Tho I have been praying for her ever since my son has been a small boy. You see I pray for each of my children every day of their lives. In the morning and night and sometimes several times during the day as well. I also prayed  for their spouses to be, from the times they were wee little children until they get married, up until they and then pray for (of course) my children and their families.

And now - I find myself in a place unfamiliar to me.

I don't believe I know anyone or have I even met anyone - that has experience this kind of situation personally.

My adult children, who I believed knew the Lord, have for reasons I know not, up and disowned and legally. Going so far as to legally file for adoption by their step-mother - Not even notifying me in person or over the phone. They will not even answer to me (via phone or even email) and, (this is the most disturbing part) they have done this in the name of God. 

I am left completely perplexed.

Believe me I have spent far too many hours trying to figure out why - how - what - where - to no avail.

Only to end up in this same place  My prayer chair. 

Staring aimlessly out the window feeling that all too familiar tug, tinge and sharp pain. 

Wondering

How am I going to stay strong enough to make it through yet another day in this life of mine?

Then I came across Craig's blog and song.

It isn't going to fix everything. I know that. But it did open a a nice size hole in this damn of mine.

I needed to cry. The Lord has been telling me that for a while now. I have not been wanting to share any of my story either. Mixed reasons. Some of them are valid I am sure. Others not so much.

I don't think any of my sons read this blog, nor do their family members. I was concerned they might be offended by my posting transparently. 

However, My feelings are so strong and this situation is absolutely true.

I have done nothing but love my children since the day the day they were in my belly.

I can not even begin to imagine what would cause them, as children of the living God and disciples of Jesus a minister of reconciliation and Grace (who we are called to be like) what would cause them to disown me.  

I love my children with all my heart. Everyone of them.

♥&♥.... ♥&♥....♥&♥....♥....♥

I AmWeak

But you are strong - Lord

Help me carry on to live to the fullest the life YOU choose for me to live in you - through you

To will and act and do according to your good pleasure !

Forgive me Lord for wallowing in self pity

Help me to walk with you where ever you lead me

To will and act and do according to your good pleasure !

I AmWeak

But you are strong - Lord

Help me carry on to live to the fullest the life YOU choose for me to live in you - through you

I give to you all you have given to me

I give to you - all of my family

Take from me all I give to you

Let it be a fragrant offering

I am weak Lord - Help me learn to be weaker still

so your perfect strength can see me through

I need you.