Today is the day I felt

God's broken heart.

I drove through a part of town known for it's heavy population of conservative Jews.

I had been driving for some time. Singing and ministering to the Lord for a while. There was a very sweet, intimate spirit in the car. I love driving around by myself  I often do just to spend time alone with God. No one but me and the Lord. We have such intimate time together....unfettered.....It is truly awe inspiring.

Today as I drove, I took a different route. I drove a bit out of my normal  routine. Down a long winding road  Large homes and yards. It was beautiful . As I did,  it was if a heavy blanket came over me. I literally felt it almost crushing me. It made it hard to breath. At the time I was singing love songs and  ministering to the Lord. 

Soon  my love song became prophesy..."new songs" from Holy Spirit.... it wasn't too long after, my prophetic new songs turned into deep heavy wailing. My chest got tighter and I felt an insurmountable grief fill my spirit. I began to cry out with groaning - deep, loud  and on going. Tears streaming down my face.

 I knew instantly this - was not my grief. I also knew instantly whose grief it was. I began, as soon as it let up enough, to verbalize utterances of repentance and began to utter words of apology  to try in some meager, humble, and what seemed to me to be completely inadequate attempt, to comfort HE whose grief it was.

Then, as suddenly as I had come into this neighborhood I had found my way out of it.

The weight on my chest lifted. I was able to breath again.

The grief subsided. Leaving only tears dropping one at a time to fall from my eyes down my already bright red cheeks.

Me? I was left in a place of question. For the first time in 20 minutes able to speak and at the same time not feeling I had adequate words to convey my thoughts. Still I attempted. I spoke and I asked,

"Lord why have you allowed me to feel your pain? Why?"

I went on to say,

"I am so sorry so many do not recognize you, do not love you, all you have done for them. I am so sorry. I can not even begin to imagine how you feel. I know how "I" feel...In my small world...and the rejection I live with from my loved ones. THIS, this....the pain you have allowed me to experience....YOUR pain....YOU are perfect. YOU have done NOTHING but love and bless and give of yourself. Lord, WHY have you allowed me to experience this? To what end? WHAT can I do? Just me..."

That's when God broke my heart when He answered me. He said,

"My precious daughter. Nothing. I do not wish for you to do anything for me. Simply having you here with me. Sharing with me my heart. My sorrow, as a husband would share the sorrow of his beloved wife and a wife her beloved husband. To know that you would desire to sit with me and care how I feel about all my children and love me  that much.....this means more than you will ever realize. I love you."

Needless to say....I cried.....and that's when I realized that today is the day I felt God's broken heart.