Silent Sacrifice and Motherhood

A post written in 2013


Something children may never really ever comprehend.
 Funny thing to hear I know.

However I am saying this not so much as a mother, but more as a child. Although I can not deny that my many years of experience as a mother has certainly had something to do with my view on this subject.

As I sit here in my chair, the day before Mother's Day, my mind is flooded with memories (in no apparent order) of years gone by.  WAY by... long time ago. I am talking about when "I" was a child. Before "I" became the Mother" .

What triggered it all.

Normally Mother's Day is something I notably gear up for. Emotionally. Mentally.
It's no secret these last few years (10 or so) have been very difficult for me in this arena. So I make it a point to not go to church on Mother's Day and stay home with my daughter's and let them love on me and vise/versa.  (*Don't judge* - I mean seriously...think about it. IF you have your Mum still here and a great relationship with her OR your kids here and they love you - THEN I suppose it's not so bad being around a bunch of people who go outta their way to celebrate that fact for two hours and then wish you a "Happy Mother's Day and Have a Great Time with your family tonight!" However, if you are one of the many who don't fit that category, then yeah. It may very well be more painful to be around during those times.)

So, back to my post before my rant. :)

This year was different. I didn't plan it that way. It just happened.
Why was it different?    How was it different?

Well for starters. I completely forgot it was Mother's Day. Not just once - but - over and over and over again. I would hear about it coming up from someone. Then forget it. Then again some where I would be reminded of it. Then completely forget it. Then again - up until this morning.

This morning - I woke up thinking about the world - the body of Christ and my place in all of it.
I looked on my wall next to my bed and saw a collage of pictures that hung there. I just stared at it.
They are pictures of me and all five of my children.

Then I proceeded to the living room to start my day.



It's Saturday. I don't work on Saturday. So I have time to read the Word and I had time to check out facebook. I was once again reminded about Mother's Day as I scrolled through my Timeline and saw the status updates and profile pictures of peoples Mother's who had sinced passed away. All the accolades being poured out on behalf of Mom's and Mother's Day.
Instead of a gripping tightness in my chest and tears running down my cheeks (my normal reaction) this year I just scrolled over these updates without any notable affects to my emotion or negative effects to my soul. Instead I began to have a sudden download of memories, childhood memories of my Mum.

The memories were not in chronological order. They just kinda popped in my mind in no apparent order at all. Then I remember a few very deep conversations I had with my Mum before the Lord called her home suddenly - They were not long talks - just meaty talks. She talked about the sacrifices she had made. What she gave up for us. She told me all she ever want in life was to be a Mom.
This may not sound like much to you reader - BUT - that was the one thing I felt like I didn't have. The one thing I felt I wasn't getting from her, my Mum. -------- "All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mom." The one thing my Mom wanted more than anything, she couldn't do well enough for me.....my standards were too high.  My Mom did everything she could do. Her circumstances rendered it impossible for her to do anymore than what she did do.  - and - that which she did do wasn't sufficient enough for me.

That was the first time I ever saw my Mother cry.

I didn't understand the depth of her love for me then. I can honestly say that those words, "I have sacrificed and given up......all I ever wanted in life was to be a Mom." I didn't know what they meant, then. I was moved by seeing my Mother cry. Yes. But the words as passionate and transparently honest as they were, I forgot as soon as I stepped out of her presence.
The magnitude of the words and the truth of the deep love that moved the words to reality in my Mother's life. THAT, I have just now realized myself....in my Mother's total physical absence.
I see the sacrifices my Mother made.
I know the sacrifices my Mother made.
I know the deep love my Mother showed lived towards me.
I now understand the love and selfless sacrifice of a Mother is not something that can ever be explained with words.

How? How, do I see, know and understand?
And why now after all these years?

It is very sad that it took this long - very sad. Heartbreaking even 
The answer is simple - I am living it in my own life.

I don't know if it is a reaping what you sow or just a learning as you live. Either way - it is a double portion of heartbreak. Triple even if those who are missing out on the love I have for them can not see it.

I love the story in the Bible about King Solomon and his judgment about the two mothers and one baby.
This shows the true love and sacrifice of a mother. There is sacrifice and then there is the sacrifice that no one will ever understand and no one but G-d himself may ever know about.

Yes, I think perhaps this Mother's Day is quite different for a multitude of reasons - Growth, Healing, Freedom and New Life. Thank you Lord!

Solomon’s Wise Judgment

¹⁶ Now two women who were harlots came to the king, and stood before him. ¹⁷ And one woman said, “O my lord, this woman and I dwell in the same house; and I gave birth while she was in the house. ¹⁸ Then it happened, the third day after I had given birth, that this woman also gave birth. And we were together; no one was with us in the house, except the two of us in the house. ¹⁹ And this woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on him. ²⁰ So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from my side, while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom. ²¹ And when I rose in the morning to nurse my son, there he was, dead. But when I had examined him in the morning, indeed, he was not my son whom I had borne.”

²² Then the other woman said, “No! But the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son.”

And the first woman said, “No! But the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son.”

Thus they spoke before the king.

²³ And the king said, “The one says, ‘This is my son, who lives, and your son is the dead one’; and the other says, ‘No! But your son is the dead one, and my son is the living one.’” ²⁴ Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword before the king. ²⁵ And the king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to one, and half to the other.”

²⁶ Then the woman whose son was living spoke to the king, for she yearned with compassion for her son; and she said, “O my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him!”

But the other said, “Let him be neither mine nor yours, but divide him.”

²⁷ So the king answered and said, “Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him; she is his mother.”

²⁸ And all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had rendered; and they feared the king, for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him to administer justice.