Looking into the eyes of an innocent child

I have heard it said...

That mourning the loss of a loved one still alive

is a far greater pain

Than the pain that comes with mourning the loss of a loved one who has actually died.

I would tend to agree with this..... to a degree.

Let me explain.

This week I had an epiphany as I gazed into the beautiful innocent eyes of my three week old preemie grand daughter.

Especially after being given the opportunity to spend so much time with my newborn grand daughter this last few weeks. Holding her close and caring for her. It has been such a huge blessing to me! In so many ways! 

True as that last statement is. I must admit spending this time with this precious bundle of  JoY has also opened up a HUGE hole in my heart I thought had been filled several times over - WRONG! What a fool for me to think such a thought! I AM a mother after all......(Hope you can keep up with my thoughts here as I am rambling a bit.) My missing kids. I will never get over them and it never gets easier.

When G-d himself knits together DNA in a mother's womb, creating one life from two. Carefully choosing every detail. It is no accident who begat who. We are all fearfully and wonderfully created in the likeness of our own creator. We may choose (in most cases) who we want to parent with, but the rest is up to G-d!

 Every day  from the very start I could feel you growing inside of me. For months and months until we welcomed you into this world.....and still....I nurtured you at my breast. Held you close. Kissed my gift from G-d. Day after day..watched you grow and play. It seemed like just yesterday....and yet....yesterday is all I have. Memories I tried so hard to bury down deep inside.  Because the pain of your absence was to great to bear. I was successful for a while. Or so I thought. Until I held my precious lil grand daughter. I looked into her eyes and I saw not my grand baby but each of my missing children as I held her close.... and that is when I realized...No matter HOW HARD I try I could never....will never....be able to not think about my missing children. The pain is excruciating plain and simple. I  mourn the loss of my loved ones that are still alive every day...there is no closure.

I don't know that the pain is worse than loosing a loved one in death but it just continues day to day.

There is no way a mother can ever forget her children.

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A Mother's love is for life

It endures through life's sorrows and strife

Never ceasing - always there

Mother's hearts were born to care

Loving you is what I do

Through the pain He'll see me through

Ever hopeful you'll come home

Before My time as Mother here is done

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