I finally opened it.....

The large manila envelope I got in the mail a while back. We are talking like months ago. I just today decided to open it up. I know what you are thinking. Why did I wait so long to open it? Well, let's just say deep down inside I knew what was in it.

Memories. 
    I have been waiting until I knew I had the emotional fortitude to be able to sift through all the old photos and letters from years past.  Well, today was the day I opened the envelope. I thought I was ready. Apparently I was wrong.

I am beginning to think I may never have been ready for what awaited me inside that envelope.

Strange how we never forget some things, some memories - how some memories seem to stand out more than others. Then by the simply reading old letters or looking at old photos we are not only reminded of  those times in our lives - but they become yesterday to us once again.

I struggled at first as I pulled the content out of the envelope. Seeing there were letters and photos from me to my father and mother who have long since passed on. Then as I briefly sifted through I noticed too there were cards and letters from my children to my parents, their grand parents. More photos and pictures from the grand children to the grand parents. A plethora of photos from three generations and what I will describe as love letters from grand parents, parents , children and grand children. Quite wonderful actually. Still, as I slowly peeled away photo after photo in what seemed to be in no chronological order, as I read each little post card and letter I wept.

Yes, I wept. I also laughed a little. Mostly though I wept.

I will do my best to explain why I wept and laughed.
Also I am going to post some of the pictures just to give you an idea of what I am looking at - Total mixture of time periods - brings such JoY and laughter!
As for the sorrow I feel that has caused me to weep. Well, there are two things that cause me this grief. One - I really miss my mom and dad.
Two - When I read the notes and letters and see all the photos of my precious family when my kids were young, it breaks my heart even more to think about the fact that my sons have become estranged. All the good memories with the family -  my not understanding why they have left - this just breaks my heart.

       After I got through the entire contents of the envelope.

After I laid my case before the Lord.


I realized, yet again, that I needed a little help swallowing this big dose of reality life was dishing out to me at the moment. Well, maybe  more than a little help. I was a wreck!
So sitting on my bed. Face in my hands. All weepy eyed and  pitiful I just waited for the Holy Spirit to rescue me - once again - and He did - once again.

The Lord is so faithful. He knows exactly what we need - when we need it and how we need to receive it.                                                                        
                                                                        

Like a gentle breeze, softly He spoke straight to my spirit. Gently and yet with all the power of His Word,
 "Amy, give it all to me. Leave what is behind behind you. Do not let the past keep you from receiving your miracles of today. Today's miracles are stepping stones to tomorrows answered prayers."
                                                 



When the Holy Spirit spoke these words to me I had a sudden remembrance of certain promises the Lord had given me. Certain prophetic words, visions and dreams. Some of which have already come to pass. Some of which I am watching  unfold even today in my life and others the Lord, I believe was trying to encourage me to stay the course, be strong and very courageous. Something the Lord has said to me many times just these last 10 years.

It has been rough these last few years.  Exceptionally so. More than I can say. In the end, by the grace of God alone,  I have been faithful and passed the test. My accuser has not been victorious over me. Still, my heart has taken a beating and my family, my loved ones have had to live through the trials as well.



I am thankful beyond measure for those few faithful loved ones that have been by my side and loved me while I have endured this sadness and broken heart. 

It is time to move on. For the Lord is intending on answering some prayers! Time to lay down some stepping stones....time to enjoy My Miracles of Today!

Happy posts from now on!  

                                                                       




     

Memories - in no apparent order - :)

Video of Lauren  

Video of Kelly 

Video of Joshua

Video of Jeremy

Video of Jacob

Jacob being "Jacob"

My grandson Benjamin

Jeremy and his son "B"

Jeremy, Kelly and Dad

Joshua

Familiy fun and UNO!

Jeremy and Lauren Rockin' it out!

Kelly and Jeremy and Lauren!!

Kelly - Lauren - Jeremy and Mom!! Fun Times!

Christmas Time - Jacob and Joshua Being studzey

Mumsey and her boys  at Disney World

Mom and Dad

Mom and Kell Bell

Sistas

Dad!

Us girls in da family!

Kelly-Maria-Lauren and Joshua chillin at Kings Island

Jeremy an Maria at the conservatory - attractive

Picnic - Klapp style

Kings island!!!

Fun!!!! Times photos with the girls!

St, Augustine

Joshua's PHd graduation
So proud!

At the beach in St. Augustine with Joshua after his PHD graduation!

Awe! - Kelly and Tim
Oh how I LOVE THEM!

Hee hee LOVE IT!

Lauren's High School Graduation

The Familia!

Bah- haa - Lauren graduation
I think she's trying to get her point accross

Mom and her kiddos at Jeremy and Maria's wedding

Jason and Lauren walking the isle at Jeremy & Marias wedding rehersal

Jeremy and Maria's Rehearsal dinner
Kelly - Lauren  -Jeremy and Mom

Jeremy and Maria's wedding
Lauren - Sabrina -Kelly & Jacob!

My Life in Pictures

Don't Ever Say Never

There is a very good reason for that saying. 

My life is one of them.

I have been sitting here thinking of all the things I never thought would happen - ever -and did.

For instance.

I never thought I would be left all alone as a very small child. But I was, by my parents and by the day camp I went to, on more than one occasion. Albeit by mistake. STILL being left alone as a very small child is very scary.

I never thought the adults in my life, whom as children we are supposed to be able to trust, would take advantage of me as a very young child in a very perverted way.  

I never thought I would ever make any friends. 

I never thought I would ever be beautiful to anyone.

I never thought I would ever know love. 

I never thought I would ever end up on the back side of a Harley Davidson Motor Cycle at 15, hanging around a dangerous motor cycle gang doing drugs and lying to my parents about it.

I never thought I would sit and watch my best friend die in front of me by way of a drug over dose. Then have my own life threatened by  if I spoke a word about what I saw. 

I never thought I would ever end up so desperate that I felt I had no choice left but to jump off suicide cliff.

I never - ever - thought I would hear the voice of God.

I never thought God cared so much about me.

I never knew God sent His only Son Jesus - For ME.

I never expected God to forgive me for everything I had done.   

I never expected my world to change just like that.

I never believed I could forgive the adults that hurt me as a child.

I never believed I would find a man who could love me.

All these never's were so....each one...and more.

I did hear the voice of God.

I did find  love.

I did have a family of my own.

I did find friendship.

I did find fellowship in the body of Christ.

And life continued....and...more I never's...

I never thought my own beautiful family would fall apart.

I never thought my best friend would betray me.

I never thought those I trusted most would work together to take my babies away from me.

I never thought I would walk away from my Lord........because I lost all.

All these never's were so....each one...and more.

I never thought I would find love again.

I never thought I would have such a close relationship with my mom.

I never thought I would have the two most beautiful girls in the world.

I never thought my family would be back together for so many wonderful years.

All these never's were so....each one...and more.

I never thought my mother would leave this world so soon.

I never thought I would have to choose between my sons or my daughters.

I never thought my sons would once again be taken away.

I never expected after so many years with the family, my sons would choose to move away.

I never thought after years of praying and supporting and care packages and visits and undergrad visits that we would not be welcome at the biggest celebration of all, after driving 17 hours to see my oldest graduate.

I never expected my sons to keep my grandchildren from me and their sisters.

I never expected my sons to legally cut me and their sisters out of their lives forever.

All these never's were so....each one...and more.

I never expected to be able to forgive my sons father, step mother or my sons for the grief they have caused us all. Not just me but my precious daughters, (their sisters) and their step father.

I never expected to be able to fervently pray blessings, daily for everyone in my sons lives. Including their father and step mother. 

I never expected to be able to carry on with my daily life. Considering all the heart wrenching pain that I continue to feel.

But I am.

How? Well...I am learning how to live a life of obedience and sacrifice.


In this I find the Joy of the Lord - therein lies my strength. Nehemiah 8:10


Also I am finding the better I get at the obedience part, the less sacrifice there seems to be required. At least for me in my walk with the Lord at this stage of the game. :) I would like to think I have learned my Jonah lesson! 

Now I realize there are allot of I never's here. Of course I haven't listed all of my never's on here, but a good portion of them. Mostly one's that are relevant to what I am going through in my life right now. 

See, I am smack dab in the middle of a heart wrenching - life altering - emotional - situation. The ONLY way I have been able NOT to react the same way I did the FIRST time this situation occurred in my life (when the father of my sons filed for divorce and left with my babies) is by sticking very close to the Master's side. At His feet. In His lap. In prayer and in His Word. (I think you get the message) 

Well....

I do realize this has not been the cheeriest of posts. I will admit. However, writing does a soul good - especially this one. From what I hear (through your emails) there are a few of your souls out there that get a little something out of reading my ramblings as well! Thank you...:)


So I will write.


Please feel free to leave a comment on here. You can still email me. :)
But it wouldn't hurt to click on the comment link below as well!  

May the good Lord Bless you and may Abba Father keep you safe in the crux of His hand. May you receive the spirit of Truth as you seek the face of Yeshua/Jesus  and desire to be like Him for the glory of God.


Shalom ~ Amy Colleen


p.s. remember, don't ever say "never" because you just don't know what God has in store for you!


I never thought I would be able to love and trust again.
I never thought I would ever love any child as much as I love my sons Joshua James, Jeremy Joseph and Jacob John.


Well, I am and I do.


And I have the most incredible, beautiful, God loving, God fearing daughter's anyone could ever hope for .... and I love them ..... just as much as I love my sons.

I never thought .....

  

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