Learning to Let Go

The Lord Giveth and He Taketh Away

I find myself in a bit of a quandary. I honestly did not expect to be here. I figured we would have been through all this by now. All the healing that is; from the broken, then blended homes. I mean, it has been twenty four years. Apparently not. So here I sit face with the choice to hold on - or let go and let God. 


I am fifty years old and my youngest child is going to turn nineteen years old in just a couple of months. Some might say I am experiencing empty nest syndrome or something of that nature but truthfully it is much much more than that. I have been working up to this point for years now. Ever since, sadly enough, my first husband and I divorced some twenty four years ago. It wasn't easy or pretty then and it has been a struggle ever since to "let go" and "trust God" ever since with my children's lives. 


Well now that all my children, all five, to include my two beautiful daughters from my husband of 22 years as well as my three boys from my first husband, have grown up and are all  adults.
I am faced with the task of "letting them go"....again.


Of course as the reader you are thinking, "But of course! Let God! It's a no brainer!"
It's just not that easy. You see, I have let go many times before. Then in a few years something else pops up and I end up having to let go all over again. Let there be no mistaking the enemy has his mind set to kill - steal and destroy this family that is for sure!  At this point and time my oldest children are completely unaware of the enemies tactics. Thus the reason I am finding so hard to let go this time. I guess there is a part of me that is worried when I let go it will be like saying "good-bye" forever. Even though I "know" in my spirit the Lord has promised otherwise.


BUT the title of this blog is "learning to let go" and learning I am. Sometimes when we don't have the strength to do what is best for ourselves, the Lord helps us out. He sees our heart, knows we desire to please Him and steps in. The means to the end is not always "pain-less" but it does the trick. If we will just take the step of faith to take His hand and trust Him He will never fail us. 


So, today I did just that. Hard as it was. Very, very hard. I knew it was coming. The Lord told me over four years ago so I could prepare myself. But it was still hard. Without too much detail I can say I am now loving three of my children virtually, only through prayer in the love of God and by the Holy Spirit. Their choice. Not mine. 
It breaks my heart. But what can I do? I live my life for Yeshua, and my life goes on. 


I haven't always felt this way. In fact, for the better part of the last twenty four years I have loved my three sons too much. 


Now, I am learning to let go.


Now maybe God can finally use me fully. 



Mathew 10:37
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;"
Matthew 6:21
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Alone

Alone in the midst of the crowd.


I don't really know what to do. Should I stand here, or move out of the way?


Alone in the midst of the crowd.


I don't really know what to say. Should I speak out loud?


Alone in the midst of the crowd.


I don't really know why I'm here. Does anyone even see me?


Lord, I am so alone. Even here in the midst of your people.
I'm so alone in the midst of this crowd.


Hello? Can you you hear me?
Hello? Does anyone even see me?
I'm here in your midst. Every time we gather together. 
When we sing ~ when we pray.
Do you even hear me when I say,
"Hello?"


Alone in the midst of the crowd.


Please let us all (consciously) take time to "notice" those around us that we may see often but may not often enough take the time to see. 


Life is too short to over look those closest to us. Especially when they may be the ones who need us most.


This poem, was inspired by a compilation of exactly what I fore mentioned. People and situations that the Lord had personally brought to MY attention that I am close to. People I have somewhat neglected, assuming all was well. When in fact, quite the opposite. 


As a my dear, precious friend always says to me, "You can only do what you can do."
And though I agree this is true, I would like to add, "How many of us are actually doing THAT?"


God Bless You with the secrets of His Heart as YOU seek His Face in the Riches of The Holy Scripture!
AmyColleen

Dream of Darkness

Darkness was everywhere. It was so strange. I felt as if I had been here before. I recognized the people and the surroundings. Everything. The only difference was the darkness; and with the darkness there was a  dank chill in the air. Strangely enough the people were bustling about. Going to and fro like a normal day. We were in a downtown market place. In the city. There was chatter among everyone. What you would expect to hear except the sound had a deep timber to it. The peoples heads were hung low. There seemed to be a visible oppression hanging over them like a fog.

I was there among them in the market place, though they did not see me. Yet at the same time as I made my way through the crowd, each person moved out of the way for me as if they were compelled to do so. They moved completely out of my way. So much so that I couldn't speak to them or even get a good look at them to get their attention. I tried. I wanted so badly to reach out to them. I felt so badly for them. Everyone was so sad. I could feel their loneliness, their pain, their suffering. It was so very dark. More so than night time. Different even than night time. Almost as if there was an opaque, black, blanket of demonic fog or haze that had settled in around the city market place.

I tried for a while to reach out to the people. Then I just stood and watched and cried.

As Jesus spoke to me,

"Be the light you were meant to be. Shine for me. Let me shine through you. Come walk with me and let  my Holy Spirit have full control. See Great and marvelous things. The glorious mysteries of  my kingdom. You, you, are what I desire. I gave myself for you. I gave myself for them. Do you love me ? I love you. Walk with me. Take my hand and walk with me to the true promised land. See the glory of the God all around. Share what I have given you....with those in darkness. I love you ....love them for me."

My life flashed before my eyes

So yesterday, for a brief moment in time, I actually thought my time was up.

I though I was being called home. 

It was truthfully very disconcerting. Not because I am afraid of death,  (as I look at death, for me anyway, one who knows her creator and has been washed in the Blood of Lamb as but a door to eternity with my Lord) but rather I found myself suddenly having visions of people in my head. People I have neglected to reach out to in love and forgiveness and in the name love/Yeshua. I truly believe I had one of those near death experiences where your life flashed quickly before you. Only what flashed before me were very selective pieces of my life. Each having to do with areas of my life that still need tending to in love and mercy.

I was sitting at my desk at work as usual. When suddenly I experience a deep, excruciating, sharp pain in the left side of my chest. It took my breath away. All at once, I could no longer discernibly hear the customer on my head set, all I heard was **babbling in the distance** my vision became cloudy, I stood up and cried out to a neighboring employee on my team, "Help...I need help!"
I don't personally don't remember what happened from that point until paramedic squad got there. My manager was sitting next to me. I just remember seeing her  and about  five fire fighters and they were all asking a bazillion questions. Apparently I had given my manager my husbands phone number and asked her to call him. I was not unconscious during this time, but totally unaware.
I was taken to the hospital by life squad and keep there  for 7.5 hours. They conducted several blood test a CT of my head and called my cardiologist.

From what they saw at the E.R. I did not have a heart attack.

Thankfully, MY LIFE IS IN GOD'S HANDS. :)

I do have atrial fibrillation. I have been on medication for this for several years now.
So I I will be having some extensive testing this week to check for blood clots, narrowing of the arteries as well as total heart muscle function.

I didn't have a heart attack. But I am still exhausted. Apparently there are others out there that have these kind of "a-symptomatic" A-fib attacks quite often. That is just HORRIBLE! Seriously, I feel terrible.

More thank that. I can't stop thinking about the vision I had as it all took place.
If I were to walk away with ONE thing from all of this it would be;
To NOT to put off until tomorrow what/who the Lord puts in my path to minister to today.
As I will be held accountable for everything I have done and everything I have not with what He has given me.
None of knows when  our time is up here in this life.
We should never be so arrogant to think, "OH, I am not going any where for a LONG time!"
For God and God alone is the make an finisher of all life.

Something to think about.

If you are reading this. 

That means you are still alive. 

What are YOU going to do with YOUR TODAY?

After all....you may not be given a TOMORROW.